So I’m probably the worst human being in the world.
I mean, I can look back and justify my actions, and analyse all the different ways I end up thinking the things I do, and say the things I say… But as I once said to my dad, why is it you can recognise when you’re being a dickhead, acknowledge it, and then ignore it completely to continue your dickheadery!?
Man, I was wise… But still no less a dickhead.
In fact, I have a proven track record of treating people like shit to further my own self esteem, or feelings of self worth, or simply cuz it’s my way or the highway. Yeeaahhhh.
Anyway. Back to my self-absorbed blog post; here we go.
I am married to a wonderful human being. He’s a nice person. He treats me with respect and tolerates an absurd amount of shit from me. I strive to be the best person I can be for him. Mostly because he deserves it, but also because I have a nauseating fear of turning into my mother- a thought that haunts me during any argument… so much so, that I find myself repeating my dad’s dying wish on repeat whenever my hubby and I do bicker, Don’t be like your mother. Don’t turn into her.
Oof, this is quickly turning into a morbid post! Moving on.
One day, I’ll feel more comfortable writing in more detail about what happened but for the purposes of this post: I had the unfortunate pleasure of being the youngest sister of two older boys who grew up in a tiny mountain village with no one else to take advantage of (read: incest and sexual assault). As such, I have developed peculiarities; some of which I have gleefully put into my past, some of which rear their ugly heads more often than I’d like. One ‘quirk’ in particular is pissing me off a lot in these last 6 months; my inability to be satisfied and unconscious seducing (?) of other men. And before anyone goes jumping to conclusions, I genuinely am happy in my marriage- but I was conditioned at such a young age to seek the approval of my older brothers and their friends in everything I did, I wanted sooo desperately for them to invite me to hang out with them that I did everything they ever asked of me. You can imagine the rest.
This has inevitably carried on in my life, what with my lack of dealing with shit. And now, I find myself 2 friendships less, 1 acquaintance marred, and 1 work colleague with whom I don’t know where I stand.
I find myself drawn to anyone who will pay me attention. They might smile at me, or laugh at my joke, or they might just be there, and I find myself inadvertently flirting with them, trying to make them want me. Even though, I don’t want them- in fact 99% of the time, Hubby’s with me and we’re having a good time ourselves.
I have hurt a good few people with this shit. I recognise that I’m doing it, but I am so caught up in feeling something, that I can’t help say what’s on my mind. The filter disappears. I always thought we’d end up together – an offhand thought that seems like the right thing to say when one of your oldest friends is staring deep into your eyes. Then why would you want to marry her? Another offhand thought, after you’ve spent the entire night swing-dancing with your colleague’s fiance (now husband) and he repeatedly says she’s awful. I’ve missed you too – what not to say when someone starts confessing deeper feelings.
I recently felt I broke ground when a customer of mine invited me out for a drink and I turned him down, albiet after a week of deliberating over what to say, deluding myself into thinking that I genuinely wanted friendship with this person and not at all just enjoying the fact that someone wanted me. I get that everyone wants people to want them, but I actively go out of my way, and even go as far as manipulate the truth to justify my actions…
I hate myself for feeling this way. I want to change. I am trying to make a change.